It’s 11:49 pm and I am still awake. I tried to sleep but I kept waking startled with anxiety and the constant feeling I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t a fully fledged panic attack but it was disturbing nonetheless. I’ve learned to listen to my body when that happens. Usually that means there are unresolved issues that I have been ignoring. Tonight those issues likely surround our recent move from Indiana to Colorado. While I have clearly seen the hand of God place us here (another story soon to be featured here), my soul is struggling with so much change so quickly. Not only do we live in a new state in a new (to us) house with new neighbors and friends, but we are finding ourselves in unfamiliar territory in parenting our kids. My husband and I are processing and navigating this new start, and we are also having to shepherd little hearts as they try to process this massive upheaval of all that they know.
We went from a 6,000 square foot house in Indiana that we owned to renting a 2500 square foot house here in Colorado. In Indiana we had a large 3 acre yard in a quiet neighborhood and here we have an 1/8th of an acre in a cul-de-sac that’s teeming with kids and constant activity. My son was still in preschool when we moved and was accustomed to a set routine and now we have nothing except 30 minutes of swim lessons to occupy our time. My dog was often alone in his 3 acre yard and now he has constant playmates all day long and a much smaller space in which to explore. The negative side of my heart wants to focus on all the change and upheaval but the Spirit in me is longing for me to see the bigger picture.
It’s as if God has looked at the longing of our hearts and has answered each one. We had longed for community for us and playmates for our kids and after two weeks living here we already know most of our neighbors. I had struggled to manage two small kids in such a large home and yard and now I have a much smaller home and a fenced yard. My son is so social that he used to sit by the side of the road in our yard and just wait for someone to drive or walk by so he could talk with them and now he has 11-15 kids to play with almost every day. In Indiana we had a small path to walk on in our backyard but here our house backs up to the foothills and there are 30 miles of trails accessible from our backyard.
But I’m realizing that all of the blessings cannot cover up the loss that I and we must grieve and entrust to God. I left some really amazing people in Indiana – people that walked with me through perhaps the roughest time in my life. I left some of my family members that loved on us in a way that only family can. I left a quiet and simple life that I now miss. My son left his best friend and some wonderful teachers back in Indiana. My husband left a beautiful home office space that he and his dad designed and built. We all left a known and comfortable life in Indiana to move to something new and unknown.
But perhaps if I take time to recognize the loss and entrust it back up to God, I can then have open hands to receive what He is giving us here. I’m holding so tight to the way life was in Indiana that I have no room to accept and enjoy the blessings He has here. I think I realize that ultimately I am grieving the comfort of being fully known and fully knowing my surroundings. And it’s not until I can grieve and entrust my heart and my family’s hearts to God that I can openly receive what He has intended for us here.
I know that I know that I know that we were placed here…now I just have to trust that He can guard what I have entrusted to Him for today.
2 Timothy 1:12
“…because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.”
If you find yourself in a new season of life, I pray that you too will be able to let go of what was so that you can allow Him to work His plan in your life.